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Fic: Born to Kill the Doctor

Accidentally wrote a fanfic. First time that's happened in years.

Title: Born to Kill the Doctor
Author: Trindajae
Summary: Melody Pond gets a reality check.Collapse )


Houston... We have a peacock.

Officer went to kick some squatters out of a house for sale... and found a peacock. Dispatch found an animal hospital that agreed to take it, to which the officer replied, "That's nice, but how do we get it there? Because it's large and it looks angry, and it has what look like really sharp talons..."

Translation: It's madder than me and has more natural weapons. The bird wins.

Stolen dinosaur.

Real call: Theft of dinosaur head.

Guy loaned it to the science museum and thinks one of the employees stole it.

I officially have the weirdest job.

(Before anyone asks, yes, he was nuts. We all were pretty sure that's how it would turn out, but it was fun for 15 minutes to wonder if it might be real.)

Scary noises, raccoons and burglars

Says the caller to the calltaker about the scary noises outside, "I hope it doesn't turn out to be a raccoon when the officers get here."
Says the calltaker to the caller, "Raccoons wouldn't be ringing the doorbell."
Says the dispatcher to the calltaker, "And neither would burglars."

Pranks dispatchers play

One of our dispatchers knew we were watching the traffic camera of an accident on the freeway. On his way home, he stopped on the overpass to wave at the traffic camera, rubbing in the fact that he was no longer at work.

Cheeky bastard.

"Let It Snow", Dispatch-style

A dispatch version of "Let It Snow"

Oh the weather outside is frightful,
And phone shots aren't so delightful,
But since we're not allowed to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

All the branches off the trees are dropping
And transformers all are popping,
But since we need the OT dough,
Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow.

When we finally get a good call,
The responders all try to drive code,
But they're lucky to get there at all,
For the skating rinks on all the roads.

The shift is finally ending,
Down the stairs we are descending,
Before our headaches do grow,
Let us go, let us go, let us go.
Old joke of the day: A circus performer got pulled over by a cop. The cop asked why he had a bunch of machetes in the back of the car and the circus guy said he juggled them. The delighted cop asked for a demonstration.

Says a passing motorist to his passenger, "I'm sure glad I stopped drinking! Just look at the new sobriety test......"

Lame jokes of the day

Got these in an email today:

Q: If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside?
A: K9P

New recruit was asked on an exam what he would do if he had to arrest his own mother. Answer: "Call for backup."

Fic Rec: Bigger on the Inside

My favorite character excerpts from sentientcitizen's, Bigger on the Inside.


“Oh, my god,” she breathed. “It’s-”

“Bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said.

“-incredible,” she finished. “Is this a pocket dimension? My god, you have a pocket dimension inside your phone booth. This is – my god, this is going to revolutionise dimensional theory!”

“Police box, actually,” he said, nonplussed. “Sorry, who did you say you were again?”

“Sam,” she said, blue eyes wide with wonder, gleaming in the light from the console. “Colonel Samantha Carter. I’ve got so many questions to ask you.”


“Oh, my god,” he breathed. “It’s-”

“Bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said.

“-the most ridiculously inefficient design I’ve ever seen!” he finished. “My god, the energy requirements alone - is that a typewriter? All of time and space, and that was the best you could do?”

“Oi!” he exclaimed, offended. “Who exactly do you think you are, then?”

“Doctor Rodney McKay,” he snapped, his expression somewhere between petulance and joy. “And don’t you forget it.”


“Oh, my god,” she breathed. “It’s-”

“Bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said.

“-got to be worth a fortune!” she finished. “I can think of at least three people who’d be willing to pay a moon’s weight in naquadah for just a taste of this technology – and not a small moon, either, let me tell you.”

“Hey!” he protested, eyes wide. “No one is selling the TARDIS, not even you, you- who are you, exactly?”

“Vala Mal Doran,” she answered, flashing him a wicked grin and canting her hips in a definite invitation. “And I’m sure we can come to an... agreement.”


“Oh, my god,” he breathed. “It’s-”

“Bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said.

“-Gallifreyan!” he finished. “I’d recognise the column configuration anywhere – I found a manuscript with that exact... it was on the world with... but, but Gallifrey is supposed to be a myth! It’s real?”

“It was,” he said, slightly stunned. “It burned. I – I’m sorry, but who are you, again?”

“Oh – Daniel Jackson,” he said, distracted, eyes half-wild behind his glasses. “And I’m very pleased to meet you.”


“Oh, my god,” he breathed. “It’s-”

“Bigger on the inside,” the Doctor said.

“-like all the best sci-fi movies ever, in one place!” he finished, laughing. “Does the thing in the middle go up and down? I bet the thing in the middle goes up and down! Hot damn!”

“Er, well, yes, it does,” he said, blinking. “Rather... pretty, sort of makes a noise... I’m sorry, I don’t think I caught your name?”

“Cameron Mitchell,” he said, grinning fit to split his face. “And this is gonna be awesome.”


Drunk callers

Officer: "I hate those calls. Any calls with drunk subjects irritate me before I even get there."

Me: "How ironic. Any calls with drunk subjects irritate me before you get there, too."